Standing Here Crying

 

I know it's not much yet but it's like the reality that we picked out lives up and moved out here to go hunting for our hearts, to see the snow, to do all the outdoor activities... it got a little overwhelming for a minute. 

One month in

And what I've learned.

1. People don't spend much time on their phones. They are "present."
2. It's important to look people in the eye when you are checking out for groceries, picking up your dry cleaning etc...
3. It's very pretty here.
4. Life is slower here. People don't seem to be in a rush
5. I'm excited to find the right neighborhood for us so we can move forward in finding a house or buying land and building one.

First Snow!

Do you see the date on this post? October 6th. October 6th! Granted, it is just a dusting but it is proof of what's to come. Hope we're ready for it!

My Heart is NOT impressed

We found a beautiful 2.5 acre lot on the west side with the mountains almost literally in our backyard and yesterday we wrote the earnest money check and were about to write up the contract when our agent tells us she's "waiting for an addendum" (Uh oh) An addendum before we even make an offer? Greaaat.
So we get the addendum and it is a doozy. A "no more deal tear up the check doozy." To summarize, we pay X for the land and X isn't cheap btw, but we pay X for the land and then we... drum roll... don't actually own what's underneath it. And even worse, the State can come and mine your property, put oil derricks and any and all other kind of oil infrastructure and you can't do a damn thing about it. And you don't get anything for it either. Not that that makes any difference but I am so so very bummed. See apparently there's gold in these there hills and oil and coal and other good stuff that the State wants even though you pay for the land. There's a plus when it comes to having a husband who has dealt in the oil industry for the last 30 years. And he found shady stuff like this. Turns out a petroleum company bought 21,000 acres over a decade ago in hopes of mining it for oil but since oil prices are down they haven't done anything with the land YET. And the document my husband found specially mentions the cross streets to the neighborhood we WERE looking in.

Crazy thing is that other people recently have bought lots in that neighborhood and there are homes already built and being lived in. So is the addendum new? Did the other people just read the addendum and not understand and signed their rights away? Because it is bad. Very bad. And I am bummed. Very bummed. It was the first time I got really excited about a house. Building one, that is. And saving pins on pinterest. So now I'm back to square one. The homes that are on the market are old, ugly and don't even have views. I'm just discouraged.

Someone Needs to Tell

the real estate market here to chill the F out. Things are selling before I can even get my husband to see them. And they aren't gorgeous things either. They aren't even nice things. They are blah things. How crazy is that? Blah things selling within 8 days on the market with 4 different offers. Seriously. The houses are not nice out here. They are either outdated and ugly or brand new and such a postage stamp size that you could lean out your bedroom window and shake hands with your neighbor. So... compromise must be the name of this stage in our life. We will not compromise on views and 3 car garage but apparently we aren't going to be buying anything we are proud of either. *sigh*

The leaves are beginning to change here and we may be going with our friends up into the mountains this weekend to see the leaves and to get family photos, which is a good thing because I'm getting my hair done (finally) tomorrow.

Bottom line: the scenery here is gorgeous but the houses certainly don't match.

Getting Settled

We are almost a month in to Colorado living and getting settled. Will started school and loves it and he also started skating classes so that he can play ice hockey. I feel like Gisele Bunchen and Tom Brady. Ha!
Last week Pikes Peak got it's first snow and yesterday it was shrouded in clouds and rain but when the clouds parted this morning we were graced with this beauty. Now do you see why my wish list includes a view? Our friends who have lived here 5 years say that when the peak gets that much snow (apparently it's over 2 feet) that we, the minions living down below, get snow within 3 weeks. O.M.G.

I'm meeting our real estate lady this morning to look at a few houses. We still dont know if we want trees and a little land or if we want cookie cutter homes with sidewalks and more kid options. It's a tough decision. But we have lots of time.

Amazed at God's Timing

“...I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10 NIV. This one always gets me thinking. Especially after I've read Waking the Dead by John Eldridge. "Life to the full" what a wonderful declaration. God wants us me to enjoy my life. He built in my family the desire to be outside, to see the snow fall, to ski, to hike to hunt, to fish to do all things outdoor. To look at the front range mountains in awe. To drive down the road and see random rock formations and just think to ourselves "how the heck did those get there?" For our young son to declare, "Look at Pike's Peak today, Mom!"

Last night I received news that left me with my jaw hanging open and a sign that I am in THE right state at the most needed time. I have a friend I have known for 15 years who has been struggling with anorexia and I was told has been in the psych ward for the last month because she tried to end her life. This is a wonderful wife and mother of 3 young children and these demons have been with her for so long and they are winning. They are stealing her life. Her joy. Her very existence. She has demons that have demons and has now reached a low enough point that her freakin insurance will kick in to help her battle her addiction. But here's where it gets jaw dropping for me - as I said, I've not known about any of this drama in the last month and last night I find out she's being transferred to an inpatient facility in DENVER. Denver. Really!? I've been across the country for the last 15 years and now I"m less than an hour from her. You can't be serious. I know, right? 

So in the midst of her fear and anxiety and the fact that her husband has told me that nobody will be able to visit her - here I am. In the exact state I am needed at the exact time I am needed. 

Jesus... comes to give life and life more abundantly. God still cares for this young woman. Her story is not over. And I am living proof to her that He cares. You are loved friend. YOU.ARE.LOVED.

Week One Down

We've survived our first week as Coloradan's. Funny, I thought it would be Colordians for some reason. Spell check doesn't even like that word. Ha! Probably because I made it up ;)

The weather here is awesome so far. I see why summer is everyone's favorite. 80 degrees with a breeze and no humidity... no more to say on that one! We went on a 5 mile hike today to Palmer Lake Resevoir and ate our picnic lunch. Our apartment is feeling less cramped. On the plus side, I cleaned the entire thing in 30 minutes. LOL.

Our apartment overlooks the entire front range. Oh yeah, I could get used to this view. Don't even try to put me in a house when I've been able to stare at this for 7 months. Hopefully it won't be 7 months till we find a house but you get the idea.

Update 8/5/2016

After driving for two days and coming across the plains in Kansas and heading up Business Route 70 to come over the hill and see the first Coloradan rock formations in the distance makes this whole thing feel surreal. Like we're actually going to live here? I still can't believe we are doing this.

 

 

That sucked- Date 8/4/2016

To be a grown woman and to back out of the driveway while your parents are crying because you are taking their grandson and moving across the country to try and follow your dreams - was really hard. What am I doing that's making my parents cry? Why am I doing something that's making them sad enough to cry? My dad never cries unless someone dies. I really hope this adventure is wonderful and I hope that my parents will come visit and that we will be able to get Will to come back and visit them. I am glad that we are getting the opportunity to try and go for our dream and if it doesn't work out we can come back - I don't want to come back but we have the ability to come back if that's not what we were hoping it would be.

Well....

AHHHHHHH. We have movers coming tomorrow to pack up everything we are taking to the apartment and then we've got the "REAL" movers booked. Holy cow! Whoops.. guess I should back up and say we are under contract again but with a different couple and not for as good as an offer as the first ones. I'm sure these people will back out for some reason too. I've lost all faith in the real estate contract whatever the heck I'm trying to say. So for now, we are leaving Atlanta with a contract but we will see once we get to Colorado if that contract is still in place. If its not than we may be better off in the way that we can get our moving quote cheaper after September 15th as well, we are now (drumroll please) the least expensive house in the neighborhood for sale. I never thought I would have a hard time trying to sell this house. Who would have thought. Oh wait, my husband, that's who. BLAH

Shot Through the Heart

Our buyers just backed out. My husband so beyond mad he's saying forget the whole thing. No Colorado. No heart finding. No adventure. No snow. Nada. God, why is this happening. Is it really just life or are you saying No? Is this fighting for our dream, is this something bigger than us not wanting us to follow our hearts or are You saying this isnt it. I'm crying so hard I'm having to retype b.c I'm not even making sense. Is this where our dream dies?

I get it. I get why people don't follow their hearts. Because it hurts too bad. Life has a way of smacking you down over and over until you just lay there instead of trying to stand back up and fight. You know that saying, "nothing easy is worth fighting for?" I guess this is it. It sure as heck isn't easy. What does our future look like? Will we ever sell this house? 

It Just Got Real

As I'm filling out the change of address form on the usps website. What the heck are we doing? Are we nuts? Crazy? We got an offer on our house that we accepted (even though we are losing a ton on this one) and the inspection is tomorrow. Hopefully if that goes well than we can feel like that part is really happening. In the mean time, I'm boxing up everything we are taking with us in the UHaul next week. It's getting real. I'm scared. Scared of the change. But when I think about it, we are renting an apartment, if we hate it we can move back. There's nothing that says we can't. We aren't tied down there yet either. I'm just so nervous. My parents still aren't impressed which has put a damper on the excitement for sure.

Boat Rocking

T Minus 3 weeks until we pack up our house and head to Colorado and I can't help but think in the dead of the night, "are we crazy?" Who does this? Is this a bad idea? Should we just be "happy" with what we've got and just forget about chasing our dreams? Or what we think is our dream? It's in the nighttime that the doubts start to creep up. Daylight has a way of banishing those scary thoughts. Are we doing the right thing? My parents aren't impressed we're moving. But you know what's sad? I've been here 14 years, husband has been here 18 years and there isn't any going away party for us. Nobody is going to miss us. How pathetic is that? I can't believe that's how we are meant to live life. Alone. Relationshipless (yes. that's a word). Friendless. That's a word.
Fellow dream chasers... how do you banish the doubting thoughts? Or do you listen to them? Are you one of the millions who has a dream in their heart but never pursues it because life gets in the way? It's so much easier to just stick with status quo. Don't rock the boat. Nobody move. Everything is awesome. Life couldn't be better. Or could it?

Dream Killers R Us

Who, me? No, You. Wait huh?
Have you ever had someone be a dream killer in your life? Have you ever poo pooed someone else's dream? I have only one son but I would hope when he grows up that I wouldn't be a dream killer in his life.  But apparently I already am. See my mother told me that "just because my Dad may be encouraging my husband to follow his dreams that we are killing (or did she say destroying) his." Nice huh.
Let's just say I held my tongue but inside I was seething. The man has lived well into his 60's. He had a chance to follow his dreams. It's my turn. And come on. We're a 3 hour plane ride away it's not like anyone is sick, dying or moving out of the country. Talk about dramatic, Mother.

But still... it makes me not want to spend time with her before we go because if she keeps throwing out these heart darts do I really want to sit around and listen to that? No. I want to be excited. I want to tell them about how I found a lacrosse team for Will and spent 20 minutes talking on the phone to his future cub scout leader and how I found the best indoor hockey rink for him to learn how to play ice hockey. But dream killers suck the life out of you. Dream Killers are just that. Killers. So I don't share. And they miss out. I am hoping I don't have to call my Mother out if she continues to play the martyr. Time will tell because before she had said she wanted to fly out for our son's first day of first grade. If I ask her if she's going to come and she says no I will know where we stand. And I will have to fight. I'm having deja vu over my husband's Mother and that ain't good folks. Not good at all.

Game Plan

Adventure = Needing to put on my super woman panties

Can I get a wha-what???!! Our family is putting into motion this very quote. We have a plan. Move before our house sells. We'll move into an apartment in Colorado for a couple months while we look for the perfect neighborhood for our family. Goal is to be out of here at the end of July. Oh house, feel free to sell in the mean time but you aren't holding us back from following our dreams thank.you.very.much.

Wow and Enough Said

Desperate Times Call for

Desperate or bold measures. Depends on who you ask. Actually, I don't ask. People just volunteer the crazy notion of up and leaving even though our house hasn't sold. Could we do that? Yes. Easily. The question is -is that bold or stupid? Wise or desperate? Certainly would be taking our dreams by the horns, wrestling them to the ground and making them my... you get the idea.
I don't think I can stand sitting in our church much longer. It's agonizingly boring, too big and just not the right place for us. But to buy ourselves out of our house and just leave? Seems too insane right? Two of the homes that our pending in our neighborhood have been on the market for over 200 days. That's more than 6 months! We are creeping up on three months or maybe we've hit it. Not sure. Or do we just do life here until our house sells? My husband says, "it sure would be nice to be out there for fall camping!" I want to be out there NOW.

Hopeful in the midst of hopeless

Mars v. Venus

My husband's sister is married to a guy who works for the government and has lived all over the world and when she found out we were trying to move to Colorado she was very excited because she says that's one place she'd love to move back to someday. Today she sent us a huge email with a list of all the wonderful places to go and things to do that she remembers from her childhood as well as an adult of what to do in Colorado. As I'm reading her list tears are coming to my eyes. It's like my emotions just know that my heart wants to be there. I really hope it happens. We had our first real bite on our house this weekend. So much so that they came back the next day with their mother and then nothing. Turns out its between our house and another in the neighborhood which is almost 100 grand more than ours. Should be a no brainer right? But my pessimistic self says "ain't gonna happen" and my husband's self laid in bed all night thinking of everything he's nervous about regarding moving. What a difference huh?!

Hopes Death Bed

I don't think I can continue to follow all the Colorado things that I do on instagram. The beauty is starting to kill me. It's painful.  I have lost hope that we will be able to make Colorado our home. The adventure I pictured and hoped for gets farther and farther away from my consciousness every day. It's closing in on the time to figure out how to assimilate back into a place we don't want to be, surrounded by people we don't want to be around. How do we be excited for life when it's not where we want to be? How do we make the best of where we are? It's really sad to see hope die. We are on hopes death bed.

Why does this almost fact make me cry? Why can't I get my face to smile? Why isn't Colorado where we get to be? What does God know that makes that move not the right one for my family? How do I tell me face to mask the sadness in my heart? Most certainly if this move doesn't happen there will be no reason to continue with this blog. My family needs something to look forward to. Something that makes us come alive. My husband needs to step back from his job. We need this. 

Paradise

Seriously? Seriously?! While we are driving home from the beach and stuck in 30 miles of bumper to bumper traffic at 3pm on a Thursday our friends in Colorado send us this. They win.

*Update - dropped our price big time. Farthest we can. Now we wait.

I Kid You Not

We are down in Destin for vacation and walking through the Winn Dixie when Rocky Mountain High comes on over the loud speakers and we pass a guy wearing a Red Rocks t shirt. No. Joke.

Approaching "D" Day

Or "J" day. J for June. Because by June all the graduations will be over and you would think people would begin to look for homes they want to move into during the summer. So June. June will make or break us but I want to talk about something else. Why is it that people believe that if something is God it will all work out? If something is God everything will fall into place? Does life really work that way? What about all the bad things that happen. How do you explain that? Suddenly that doesn't make too much sense does it? God doesn't create bad things. The world and the leader of this world do that all on their own but He will use it to bring us to where we should be. Closer to Him. Trusting Him.

If you have to fight to get someplace in life does that mean it wasn't God's plan for you because it didnt fall into your lap? I'm saying all this because someone was telling me that their move "fell into place and everything lined up.." so my dreams aren't lining up. Does that mean it isnt meant to be or I need to fight for it? Sounds like my previous post doesn't it? See I cant get past this. Which is it? I don't know.

Our dream in pictues

So I thought it would be fun to post pictures of what our dream of living in Colorado would look like for us.
Hope you enjoy!

 

 

An Example

to show you I can't make this sh!t up.

It's hard to dream

I didn't use to be a pessimistic person. At least, I don't think I was as bad as I am now in my old age. The older I get the more pessimistic I become. How sad is that? Life. Life will suck the life out of you. Not following your dreams, living the day to day just eats at you. It's eating at me. I'm starting to lose hope. No. I've lost it. I thought our house would have sold by now. We have no offers in sight. When we went to Colorado and came back I was excited. Now I'm not because I really don't think we are going to move. I just can't see it and that makes my heart hurt.

In another month or two if our house hasn't sold, my husband is talking about trying to rent it but I have to ask are we fighting for (what we think is) our destiny or just trying to make something happen that isn't meant to be? When do you fight and when do you realize that it just isn't happening? How do you know if its a battle because it will make your heart come alive and therefore getting to that place won't be easy. Or is it not true. Our hearts wont come alive out there, we won't be living a better life and what we think we want is actually not good for us.

Do we keep dreaming? Keep hoping someone will buy this house? At some point life goes on. Our son goes to school here. Our house gets taken off the market. My husband continues in a job he doesn't like and has affected him physically. Because we don't get to come alive. It's all a cruel joke.

It's hard to dream because when you do, a little bit of light comes into your life... a faint glow that there is something to look forward to. You know that saying "better to have loved and lost than never loved before" or something like that? I think it's baloney. It's like "ignorance is bliss" if you don't allow yourself to dream than you won't be disappointed when it doesn't happen. It's easier to not dream. I have to try not to voice my doubt because it takes away the glimmer of hope that my husband still has. I don't want to be a dream killer.

So here's the deal

Colorado is everywhere. You know when you like a certain car and you suddenly see it all over the place? I don't know if Colorado has been talked about so much around us and we never noticed but my word. It can get annoying. From our pastor's sermon "... it's like finding a gold mine in... in... Colorado!" First off. Who says that? Is Colorado the first place you think of when it comes to gold mines? No. It's not. To when I wear my Colorado shirt, like I did this morning and headed to Target. As I'm walking out someone yells, "Do you live in Colorado." I turned and said, "not yet" and we strike up a conversation. Turns out dude lived in Colorado Springs, knows exactly where Monument is and would move back there in a heart beat. Then I've got some people on my tennis team and when they found out we wanted to move to Colorado it's "oh I used to live there. I loved it." Really. Really!

Please don't let this be a cruel joke. Don't let us run into people, read magazines, watch television shows that mention Colorado only for it not to happen for us.

A huntin' we will go

Hunting for our hearts... sounds kind of gross but do you see that picture? Do you really see it? It's not a backdrop. I took that picture while searching for our hearts. We've gone hunting. Hunting for our hearts. What makes our hearts come alive? What makes us excited to be in this thing called life? What makes our heart have a little skip in its step? This. This beauty. This call to adventure.

A little back up story... a year ago my husband went on the ultimate guy's trip. 10 days backpacking through British Columbia, which also happened to be on my Dad's bucket list. So they packed it up, flew across the country, rented a car and drove till the road literally ended, then took a sea plane and paddled three days into the wilderness. And they were in heaven.  In January, my wonderful husband paid a freak load (yes, that's a measurement) for me to attend a weekend long women's retreat titled "Adventures of the Heart" and it was a life changing, eye opening, heart freeing experience. But that's the thing. You can't go to one of these retreats and then slip back into "real" life. It just hurts. Normal sucks. Normal doesn't make my heart soar. Or maybe it's normal with nothing to look forward to. Normal with no adventure.

Before January we had been talking about wanting to move. We have friends who live in Colorado and love it and I have always wanted to live where it snows. My husband said East Coast snow is not for him so we shifted our eyes towards the West (er) Coast. He's had a dream to live in Colorado. Which seems to be the King of outdoor adventures.

So we thought let's take our son's spring break week and go and check it out. We'll stay with our friends then head to Breckenridge and see if our son likes to ski. There wasn't much snow but that didnt stop our son from spending HOURS in the backyard building a snowman he named Joey. And the hiking our friends took us on... I promise you, I had to beg the boys to get back in the car. They would have been gone all day if we had let them. They were in boy/man heaven. An outdoor paradise with rock formations to explore, an adventure surrounded them. It felt right being there. Scary, but right. It's a much slower pace of life which my husband needs. He suffered some health issues last year because of the stress of his job. What little boy doesn't want to grow up with the constant ability to go fishing, hiking, biking, camping, skiing with their Dad? Not one. Ok. Maybe one, but you know built into the hearts of little boys is the need for adventure and Colorado has that for us. It make my heart soar. Cheesy sounding I know but it's true.

Fast forward to where we are now... we registered our son in a wonderful school before we left from our vacation with the hopes of coming home, listing and selling our house and getting the hell out by the summer time. We are two months in and no bite on our house. Now I know, you are thinking, "2 months. Get a grip girl." but I honestly thought our house would have sold by now. It's the first house (well I've only owned two) that is decorated gorgeously by my best friend and I and doesn't need any work and so I thought it would sell fast. Nope. Still waiting. In the mean time, we have a fantastic private school here that we want Will to go to. We havent registered him yet because we were hoping to not be here and I dont want to pay the huge non refundable deposit if I dont have to (thank you very much) but we were told last week there is only ONE spot left in their first grade class. ONE. Que the mad scramble. And we find ourselves here. In the midst of the interview process because if we dont move this is the only school we want our son to attend. So as of now, we have our son registered in two different schools in two different states. Which one will win?

To clarify, our life here doesn't suck. It's not like we are struggling it's just we long for the mountains, the snow, the endless list of outdoor activities. Granted, I've never lived in the snow but I want to try it. I don't know if I will hate it but I'd like to find out.