It's hard to dream

I didn't use to be a pessimistic person. At least, I don't think I was as bad as I am now in my old age. The older I get the more pessimistic I become. How sad is that? Life. Life will suck the life out of you. Not following your dreams, living the day to day just eats at you. It's eating at me. I'm starting to lose hope. No. I've lost it. I thought our house would have sold by now. We have no offers in sight. When we went to Colorado and came back I was excited. Now I'm not because I really don't think we are going to move. I just can't see it and that makes my heart hurt.

In another month or two if our house hasn't sold, my husband is talking about trying to rent it but I have to ask are we fighting for (what we think is) our destiny or just trying to make something happen that isn't meant to be? When do you fight and when do you realize that it just isn't happening? How do you know if its a battle because it will make your heart come alive and therefore getting to that place won't be easy. Or is it not true. Our hearts wont come alive out there, we won't be living a better life and what we think we want is actually not good for us.

Do we keep dreaming? Keep hoping someone will buy this house? At some point life goes on. Our son goes to school here. Our house gets taken off the market. My husband continues in a job he doesn't like and has affected him physically. Because we don't get to come alive. It's all a cruel joke.

It's hard to dream because when you do, a little bit of light comes into your life... a faint glow that there is something to look forward to. You know that saying "better to have loved and lost than never loved before" or something like that? I think it's baloney. It's like "ignorance is bliss" if you don't allow yourself to dream than you won't be disappointed when it doesn't happen. It's easier to not dream. I have to try not to voice my doubt because it takes away the glimmer of hope that my husband still has. I don't want to be a dream killer.