Reality

Trying to find my heart is hard. Really hard. I don't want to stop and really think about my life, my past etc.. I just want to barrel forward and keep busy b.c being quiet and trying to listen scares me. What if I don't hear anything? What if I do? Taking the time to find my heart is hard. What do I want to do with my life? How can I make a difference? I read something I liked. "Lord, show me who I am now, and who I can become - the person You had in mind when You created me."

Heart Happy

So we've apparently cursed the Colorado weather system because we haven't had more than a few and I mean a few inches of snow since the season started. Here we tell our son we are moving to a place where it snows and we haven't gotten any more than we got when we lived in Atlanta. Not cool, mother nature. Not cool.

But our son loves the snow. And so far he doesn't know that we should have snow up to his knees so he is perfectly content playing in the two inches we got. It's nice to see him out there having a great time. Granted, no other kids are out there because it's not legit snow but our son thinks its awesome, and sometimes that's enough.

Almost 6 months in

And the sadness of not being near my parents has settled in. What have I done? Why did I chose to move away from my free and wonderful babysitters? Was it worth it? Our sons negative attitude weighs on me. I never know when something I say will turn the entire day into a day of awful attitude. I'm sure he misses my parents but we are doing everything we can to see them each month. I know it's not the same. Not at all. God help me.
I foolishly thought that if we could just get here we'd find our hearts. That it would fall into place. I didnt realize that hunting for our hearts would be so intentional. And hard. I thought if we could just get here... and now we are almost to the 6 month mark. The supposed magically 6 month mark but I'm hoping that the 6 months really starts when we got our house.

Maybe it's the season too. It's cold so I don't want to be outside hiking etc... I love nature but I seem to be losing my thrill of what I see around me. I think the weight of my sons mood swings is zapping my happiness, my peace, my joy, my life. It haunts me. Was it not best for him that we move out here and try to find our hearts? To help my husband's health? Was it not best for him? Have I ruined him? Caused his negative mood? I guess it helps some to know that he had a negative mood before we moved here it's just I'm around it a lot more because I dont have my parents to help.